(47)
It was hard for me not to feel that I was enclosed on all sides, and that I could never escape.
Was the professor going to the café as well…? He was walking in the same direction, so I knew one of us would have to say something. “What subject have you chosen for your dissertation then?” he asked, just as the café came into view. However, we arrived before I had chance to finish telling him, and without waiting, he began talking with some other students. The Korean girl appeared beside him, and, next to me, the French boy who was always with her. He greeted me as a formality but seemed mildly embarrassed to find himself standing beside me.
He was always with the opposite sex. I can’t recall when I first noticed his presence but I do remember him being surrounded by girls, even as he flashed a childish grin as others entered the classroom. In fact, there was something girlish about him. I found these types the most difficult to understand. I had lots of female friends myself. In fact, when one of them invited me to a party to celebrate finishing our theses, a friend who I brought along was so surprised to find mostly women, that he said half-jokingly: “This is kind of weird…”. I found being with women more fun, nothing more than that. But at the same time I was always aware of an insurmountable barrier between them and me. With him though there was something natural—that is to say, when with the opposite sex, he seemed to assimilate in a manner that made me feel instinctively uncomfortable. Still, that isn’t to say I didn’t feel a certain jealousy toward him.
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超えたくとも、越えられぬ柵が、自分の周囲にはりめぐらされているのを感ぜずにはいられません。
教授もカフェーに行くのでしょうか．．．．．．同じ方向に歩いているので、さすがに何か話さねばならぬと思ったのか、カフェーの見えてきた頃、「博士論文では、どんなテーマを選んだのかね？」とききました。しかし、その質問に答えおわる暇もなく、カフェーに到着し、私の答えはききおわらぬまま、他の学生達と話しはじめました。彼の隣は、韓国人の女の子になり、私は、いつも彼女と一緒の、フランス人の男の子になりました。儀礼的に、彼は私にあいさつしましたが、私が隣に来たことに、少々戸惑っている様子でした。
彼はいつも女の子にかこまれていました。いつだったか、はじめて教室の中にみとめた時も、周囲女の子でいっぱいで、しかも、入ってくる女子学生一人一人に、まるで幼な友達の様な調子で笑いかけています。そういえば、彼自身もどこか女性じみたところがあります。私は、そういうタイプの男性を、最も理解し難しかったのです。私も、女の友達が大部分であり、いつか、論文完成を祝ってパーティーをひらいてくれた女性達の一人に、私が招待した友達が、女の子ばかりなので、「どうして！？おかしわ．．．．．．」と、冷やかし半分に言われたことがあります。無論、女の子と一緒にいた方が、楽しいからに過ぎませんが、しかし、いつも自分と彼女達との間には、越えられぬ壁があると感じていました。しかし、彼の方は、何か自然に、彼女達――あるいは女性なるものと、同化していく様で、本能的に違和感すら感じました。尤も、片方、その彼をうらやむ気持ちがあったことも事実です。
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NOTES
超えたくとも、越えられぬ柵が、自分の周囲にはりめぐらされているのを感ぜずにはいられません。
I struggled to translate this first sentence, although the meaning is not that difficult to grasp. I decided to go with a simplified version, although a closer translation would be: “It is hard not to feel that I am surrounded by a fence that, however much I want to pass over it, I cannot.”
話さねば
I cannot find this form anywhere and have no idea why the author has chosen this instead of 話せば.
片方
The dictionary meaning given for 片方 is pair, mate, fellow, twin, other. However, I’ve taken it here to mean “at the same time,” although my actual translation doesn’t include it as I don’t see that it is necessary. Not 100% sure though…
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Phrases/words of interest
柵 - fence, paling, stockade
張り巡らす – surround, extend
畑にロープを張り巡らす – rope off the field
感ぜずにはいられない （感じずにはいられない） – it is hard not to feel that
私の人生の、瞬間瞬間に対する感謝の気持ちを感じずにはいられない。- I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my life.
博士論文 – dissertation, doctoral dissertation
儀礼的に – as a formality, just to be polite
戸惑う – be bewildered, be flummoxed, be confused, me muddled up
変化の速さに戸惑う – be disturbed by the speed of change
ちょっと戸惑う – in mild embarrassment
に囲まれる – be around, be surrounded by
ペットに囲まれること – being around pets
差別の壁に囲まれる – be surrounded by a wall of discrimination
幼い – young, juvenile, little, infant, immature, childish, infantile
幼い頃 – as a child, as a kid
幼い時から – from childhood
じみた – -ish, -like
子どもじみた – childlike, immature, childish, infantile, retarded
あの子は気違いじみたうそつきさ。- She’s a psychopathic liar.
祝う – celebrate, make an occasion of, commemorate
祝う価値がある – call for a celebration
祝う理由がある – have a reason to celebrate
冷やかし半分に言う – say half-jokingly
同化する – assimilate into, fuse and cojoin, become synchronized, absorb
～と同化する – merge with ~
文化に同化する – acculturate
本能的に – by instinct, instinctively, intuitively, viscerally
本能的にと知る – know instinctively
本能的にヘビを恐がる – have an instinctive fear of snakes
違和感 – a sense of unease, uncomfortable feeling, unpleasant sensation
違和感がない – feel like oneself
違和感の一因となる – contribute to a sense of strangeness
違和感を持って – with a feeling of strangeness
-すら – even, so much as do
尤も – though, not but that, for that matter
もっとも、アップル・パイはおいしかった。- The apple pie, however, was delicious.
もっとも、スウェーデンも同じだけどね。- Sweden is the same, for that matter.
うらやむ – be jealous of, envy
人もうらやむ地位にある – be in an enviable position
（人）の幸せをうらやむ – envy someone’s happiness
